Thursday, May 31, 2007

Tired

Three weeks with no posting. I've just been overwhelmed and busy. Some knitting, but that will be another time.

This divorce thing is really getting me down. Apparently there are people out there who are saying "I can't believe she gave up her kids." "She's so selfish." I didn't give up my kids. And I wasn't selfish. It was the MOST unselfish thing I've ever done. Only one child is a minor and he wanted to stay with his dad. I could have gotten full custody of him in a heart beat. I still could. I was the SAHM for 24 years. I was the one who was room mother; a weekly volunteer in the classroom; went on ALL the field trips; etc. But the divorce and separation were going to be painful enough for everyone. At least let the child stay where he wanted to be. H*ll, if I had been treated with the same respect the kids were I'd have stayed. The hardest thing I've ever done was leave those children behind. I prayed they'd want to be with me. But they're boys, they're hurt, I was the disciplinarian. And I'd been told for years by Mr C that I'm a terrible mom, a horrible housekeeper, and had no friends. You hear these often enough you begin to believe them.

Also being said by Mr. C is that he's devastated by the events and really wanted it to work. Let's take a look at how hard he was willing to try to make the marriage work: There was no forgiveness or understanding on his part. Our oldest, who the family was to visit last July, said I wasn't welcome in his home (since I wanted a divorce from his dad). Mr. C, who says he wanted the marriage to work and loved me, didn't stand up to that adult child and took the other three boys and went to Orlando and left me at home. He told me the kids didn't want me on vacation with them; that I ruin everything. The last chance he had to make the marriage work was to stand up for me. But he'd never done that. Another instance of how badly he wanted the marriage to work: On his last business trip while I was still living in his house he brought home gifts for everyone including the niece's daughter who lives 40 minutes away, but didn't bring me anything. And then had to talk at a family dinner with my mom and stepdad about all the gifts he'd brought back. Gee, he wonders why I wanted out. I don't care that there was no gift, it's never been about that, it's just the constant hurt. There were many, many more instances, but I'm really trying to move on. Yes, I hurt him and hurt him bad was willing to try and work things out, but things got worse and worse. He even managed to turn my mom against me for many months. Wouldn't you love to be married to such a kind loving man?

We won't even go into his latest trick of trying to make me look like a bad mom.

And let's not forget this little fun fact: When I told him I was filing for divorce I asked him if he wanted me to serve the papers or have him served at home or at work. He wanted more time and I offered to wait, but agreed that when I had him served I'd give him a heads up and do it myself. Next thing I knew, I was being served at my office. Loverly. And he wanted the marriage to work? And he's devastated? Puhleeze.

Now on a lighter note: I have taken up a training program to run! Yes, for real. A few years ago I bought a book for women over 40 who wanted to start running. Well, like so many exercise plans, the book got shelved and brought out once in awhile. Have you realized that self improvement books only work if you put the principles into practice? Putting them under the bed or on the shelf or just ignoring them doesn't really work! Several years before my last baby was born (he'll be twelve in a month) I was a runner. But as soon as I got to where I could do a mile, I quit. The past few weeks I've come to the realization I can do anything I set my mind to. And so I decided I was going to do this running thing. Not just attempt it, but actually do it! Tonight I wasn't able to sprint for the distance as I had been, but at least I attempted. The torn muscle from the fall last January isn't responding as well to the training program as I'd hoped. To compensate I went twice around the park for a total of 3 miles of walking. It's a chance to clear my head and really think. If the hip and groin don't let me run at least I can become a fitness walker. But I'm not giving up on the running yet. Mr. C would decide after months, or even years, to take up running and he could just take off and do five miles right off the bat, no working up to it or anything like that. I still envy his ability to do that. Too bad he couldn't do that for our marriage.

The park I walk/run at is beautiful and has a lot of good memories for me. There is one bend that I come around where I have a view of our beautiful valley and it just brings such joy to my heart to see it. Tomorrow evening Little Guy and I will be walking the park together and I'm going to point out that sudden, spectacular view.

The first three weeks of this training period are just getting out 30 minutes three times a week and walking. When ready I'm to choose a landmark to jog/run towards and do that. Then walk again until I catch my breath, repeat until the 30 minutes are through. Subsequent weeks are about walking for so many minutes and then jogging, repeat. I look forward to programming my ipod with music that matches the times because I just don't see how I can coordinate using a stopwatch while trying to exercise.

There will definitely be knitting in the next post which will be soon.

Happy Knitting!

1 Comments:

Blogger ChickenStamps said...

"Apparently there are people out there who are saying "I can't believe she gave up her kids." "She's so selfish."

Screw those people. They don't know and they don't matter. There are lots of us that love you because you're you and Tim and I happily stand in that group.
Christine

10:45 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home